(Satire)
Arlington Heights native Jimmy Garoppolo and noted Bears fan George Kittle both confirmed this evening that they “really couldn’t give a damn” about who won the damned Super Bowl.
“Whatever,” said 49ers quarterback Garoppolo, who was born in Arlington Heights, went to some tiny school downstate and shined Tom Brady’s shoes for four years in New England before receiving a ridiculously large contract to QB the 49ers to general mediocrity. “I’ve got mine.”
Kittle, a fellow 49er who was inexplicably born in Madison, Wisconsin, and raised in Iowa or some other godforsaken place, but somehow became a staunch Chicago Bears fan, was equally as indifferent.
“Dude, I’m lighting a cigar with another $100 bill while surrounded by supermodels. What exactly are you talking about?”
A spokesperson for the Chicago Bears was unavailable for comment, having left the country in search of an offensive line.
